The Gifts Conundrum
Arsenal fan, Anime fan, rocker, writer, homebody and introextrovert. Lawyer. I write regularly on http://www.ideaniverse.me. You can follow me on twitter @DisFeMIseF
Hello folks! @DisFeMIseF here and I must say it is quite the honor writing here for the first time. In case you haven’t noticed, this is indeed my first time writing for Achalugo’s ‘Mommy diaries’. I remember when I got my invitation to write for this prestigious blog, Achalugo’s invitation came in the mail, getting an invite to write here is pretty much like getting the golden ticket in Charlie and the chocolate factory, so you can imagine my reaction when the invitation came in the mail. I fell to my knees, clutching the letter to my chest and I cried; tears of joy of course. The tears streamed down my face as I contemplated the fact that I was about to have my wish come true. I cried myself to sleep…tears of joy of course.
Then came the time to actually write something down, and that was where I drew a blank. I mean, what was I going to write on a blog called ‘the mommy diaries of Achalugo’? In my relatively short writing career, I’ve specialized in horror, fantasy, mystery, action, thriller and sci-fi, but I’d never, ever done anything mommy oriented. Here’s a draft of what I originally tried to write for Valentine’s Day;
The guy met the girl, his heart started beating really quickly. Her heart started beating quickly too as she saw this tall, dark and handsome guy. She tried to fight the feeling but she couldn’t. He tried to fight the feeling but her couldn’t. They then looked at each other and said ‘screw it’ and got married. They had a kid and they lived happily ever after.
That seems hardly the stuff you’d want.
So I sat thinking to myself ‘Dude, you’re about fifty shades of screwed right now’ and then it hit me; I’m a guy and you guys might need help getting your boyfriends/husbands gifts this Valentine day, so, who better than a guy to give you suggestions on what to buy? Therefore I have a top 5 list of must get gifts for your boyfriend/husband this Valentine’s day
5 THINGS TO GET FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND TO MAKE HIM HOLD YOU TO HIMSELF AND LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER EVEN IF THE MOUNTAINS CRASH AND THE RIVERS OVERFLOW SO MUCH THAT IT FEELS LIKE AN ABYSS AND YOU BEGIN TO FEEL SUFFOCATED BY IT AND EVENTUALLY GET AN ICEPICK AND STAB HIM IN THE EYE
1) A Baby: This is particularly advisable for the unmarried amongst you. The gift of a baby is the best Valentine’s Day gift your man could ask for. For maximum effect, it would be preferable to give this gift to a boyfriend who is out of work and is trying to find his feet and probably doesn’t have much money. With all that stress, the news that he would be a father would have a calming influence on the hubby and he’ll be eternally grateful for it and would love you forever and ever. I don’t know if any of you are pregnant yet, but if you can’t do it this year, there’s always next year, just get pregnant and present him with the news on Valentine’s Day. Something like: “Honey, I know you’re broke, your father just cut you off from money and you’ve been fired. You have no prospects, no comfort and no hope really. So guess what? I’m pregnant! Isn’t that wonderful?” and watch as his face lights up and he hugs you. Try it today.
2) A Playstation: Now why is this the perfect gift? Because it’s so Or-di-na-RY! The latest game console on the market is the Playstation 4, which is all the rage now. But darlings, it’s also SO DAMN COMMON. So why not do something different and get him a PS2. Some girlfriends or wives might do something as insane as getting him an antique, such as a super Nintendo where he can play game titles like Street Fighter 2 Turbo or The legend of Zelda, that made young boys happy for years. But you, the smart girlfriend/wife, must never do this. Getting him a PS2 which has no classic titles and isn’t the newest thing on the block is the ideal gift for your other half who would be happy to no have to do what his mates are doing, but be unique in his own way.
3) The Complete Works of Justin Bieber and other Boy bands: This is just the awesomest gift! Guys don’t want to admit it, but they absolutely LOVE Justin Bieber, and almost every real man’s wish is to have the soundtrack of teletubbies on their devices, phone or tabs. They need to get in touch with their feminine side and they will most certainly appreciate the gift. So get them a box set of Justin Bieber’s greatest hits, a couple of boy bands and the mushiest songs that God used topunish humanity with as a Valentine’s Day gift.
4) The Head of The Side Chic: This is probably advisable for girls with philandering boyfriends…or better still, well behaved ones. So, if you see the fast food attendant smile at your hubby for too long, or the girl down the street smiles at him when he returns the book she dropped on the floor, you know exactly what to do. You behead her and put her head in a box with a bow on top, then you can present it to your boyfriend and say “Hey honey, I have a surprise for you” show him the girl’s head and watch him smile and confess undying love to you. The purpose of this gift is to show the extent of your love, you might worry that this will scare him, but don’t worry, he won’t be scared, he might even be a little turned on.
5) A Dragon: And finally, a Dragon! This is a perfect gift for guys, forget dogs, dragons are indeed man’s best friend. Get your husband a dragon today and you’ll never regret it. Never mind that the dragon could eat you, your baby, your husband and the neighbors. Don’t worry that it could burn down your house, don’t worry that feeding it would cost a fortune, , all these are miniscule in comparison to the joy this awesome pet would bring to your husband. Dragons are obedient, loyal and they like to cuddle up at night with you guys, so you can be sure of an awesome time.
You can purchase a dragon on Amazon, kobo and Jumia, who knows, you might even get another dangerous beast for half price, I hear there’s a sale going on.
So ladies, that a is a comprehensive list of the absolute best of gifts you could get for your hubby this Valentine season. I would give you my email and phone number so as to accept the overflow of thanks and moving messages of how this article changed your life, but I wouldn’t want to be conceited and look like I’m seeking praise. So y’all have a great Valentine and I hope you buy one of these gifts, your hubby would be delighted.
One thought on “The Gifts Conundrum”
Insanely hilarious. Another proof that DisFemiSef should stick to the humorous.