Oga, We Are Not Pregnant Abeg

“The man who says we are pregnant may challenge me years later and claim Omugwo rights”

-Ani, goddess of fertility (1921)

 

For most people, the joys of double lines on a urine test strip catapults them to the top of the high heavens.

Then they start exhibiting some behaviours or enter ‘pregnancy language’ mode.

“We are pregnant” my friend said to me today. A man, a male, a man.

 

This was my reaction

I apologise that the phrase tickles the hell out of me. With my first baby, I think Kabiyesi said that a few times, it was exciting. By 100watts’s turn, I wanted to be very selfish about this wonderful process of carrying and birthing a child. So I was quick to issue

“Oga, we are not pregnant”.

My dear woman, you people are not pregnant, na blatant lie be that o. Na only you carry that belle.

And for all its pros and cons, here are ten reasons why;

1. Oga has never worn a sanitary pad at all in this life, nothing of that sort. The farthest memory he has is of napkins in his buttocks too many years ago. -Not enough. So honestly, he cannot understand this break from pads and stylish stain checks. Enjoy the break dear

2. With each passing day from the moment you pee on that stick, you decrease for the meantime in “turn up” value. Certain places are off limits to you, when you now manage to waddle to some outdoors event, people will now be passing all the chilled alcohol and asun, and be giving somebody five alive or Ribena to wash down all that pepper. Please if we are pregnant, keep the shayo abstinence rule too.

3. Guess who can wear the same size of clothes all through the nine months and still be doing ‘we are pregnant’? Its not you babe!

4. “Hey baby, can you smell those burning wires?”
“That soap has a foul smelling perfume”
“This woman is frying rotten fish again”(forget that the Buka is thirteen houses away from yours)

All the above are your speeches. Guess his?

“Haaa, not again. You are always smelling something”

5. “I saw your husband looking so pale, and he threw up after eating that oily stew, he complained of constipation and acid reflux two days ago and diarrhea today. I told him to be strong, its just pregnancy blues.”
-Observed no one ever

6. Guess whose stomach the previous child(ren) choose as a suitable bouncing castle? Yep, yours.

7. I really shouldn’t have added anything, except that between me and you, we know who has thought of wearing adult diapers to bed.

This Picture is self explanatory

 

But all is not like that darling, here are the juicy parts you shouldn’t even let him share with you at all at all.

7. You arrive a gathering. Guess who everyone rushes to find a seat for. Yes you! 🙌 because really my sister, you are the pregnant one, whose growing child is really pressing on your pelvis and you need to rest your feet.

8. Nobody will look at him when its time to eat, you may even get a second portion before anyone remembers he is there. A good number of people will keep asking if you are okay. You should put on your London Tipton smile and say “yaay me!”

9. You will skip queues legally and anyone who doesn’t like it can only squeeze face. I don’t guarantee that anyone will stand for you in a B.R.T bus sha. During fuel scarcity periods, me and Kabiyesi would drive to Petrol stations and he would stand far off while I carry the keg to the front of the line and pretend to be really weak. Even the touts and conductors and every other Nigerian hustling there would shift for Iya ibeji.

There people, is how being pregnant can help you buy scarce petrol in seconds. Once the transaction is over, your man can come out of his hiding place to carry the keg, NOT anytime before then. The reason is that you people are not pregnant, only you is, and once they sight him, they will shout ‘Oga join the queue joor’

10. This wasn’t supposed to come down here, but guess who’s gonna do all that dilating?…but then, when you are done, you are going to have a feeling that can’t be shared in anyway whatsoever, its a joy of accomplishment only you can explain.

However, as ridiculous as the phrase seems to me, I maintain that you must stick to what works for you and your spouse. I hear some women are the ones’ to insist that the man says that. That is very okay really, but in the end, you must ensure that you have more substance over form. When you say ‘we’, mean it. Pregnancy comes with some challenges whether we like to admit it or not and it is always great to have a supportive spouse.

This is the time for you the man to take over some house chores, do it with glee. Help in the kitchen, help with older kids if any, be there to listen. We know these things already, just do them. If she is like me in those moments, she may say thank you for getting her some tea by ranting about how you wasted gas, by using the kettle to boil the hot water and even putting it to blacken on the biggest burner. You better just laugh and say ‘You are welcome’.

You can see that I agree wholeheartedly with the deeper intent of the phrase, I just get amused at the physical interpretation, allow a woman push her big tummy alone biko.

Olori Achalugo.

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