How I Won the Shit Packing Award

Our people say that after the Lizard fell from the Iroko and no one clapped for it, it clapped for itself.
-Igbo Proverb

I.

September 8.2014

If a Shit packing contest were created, I would win, I would come first, second and third..

Reason is simple, babies are not just cute, they shit. I said that before. Now, I wouldn’t win based on the quantity, no, women who have had five kids would just slap me away.

My selling point is this—>I pack it with grace and an enviable mien of normalcy. My mom told us that our grandmother once refused to throw away her soup after a baby pee-ed in it.

I think now, that I am strong like that. I pack potty, diaper and personal (the one that gets on you when you foolishly forget that you do not carry a bare-bottom baby), no nose scrunches, no eyes closed.

II.
October 2013.

This is how it all started.

Pregnancy is a contagious something. I was surrounded by pot-bellied women the whole of last year. That is honestly not how it started.

Badmouth is a badder something. You know my friend Sheeka? Sheeka got pregnant in the middle of her forming Hawt After-two.  I made all the fun there was in the world of her. I munched our chats of her wailing and used as my profile picture. I posted subliminal messages on Facebook about how some people have sex and expect Range Rovers instead of children.

Unforgiveness is the baddest. This my witch of a friend took my Pishur, lighted red candle and started dancing round it in her red wrapper. The more nauseated she got, the more I teased and the more she danced.

“Nwamama, you will carry your own latest December this year” she chanted as she danced.

III.
January 1. 2014.

I woke up like this, Flawless 😁😆.

Olori Achalugo

Pregnancy, work, toddlers and running the home; awesome experience. I had a preggy crew, a mix of plans and coincidence.

“You have a boy and a girl, you shouldn’t be having anymore kids”
-Said Foolish people.

Now, not that I think having just two kids is foolish, I think using what you think is okay for you as a yardstick for someone else is foolish.

Sheeka is a good witch, she advised “If anybody tells or asks you rubbish, ask them if it is their pussy you are renting to push”

Oh the joy I got from the face of the first victim. 😀

Let us not digress.

I had never had a maternity photo shoot, so I wanted one this time and most of all, I yearned for something different. Annie, huge blog fan linked me up.

if you have also wondered about TheBoss and 100Watts, here you go;

100Watts

The Boss

Olori Achalugo

Just the Four of Us

IV.
September 8.2014

Princess No.2

That good afternoon, the Palace’s latest addition arrived.

The joy was undescribable…always is.

V.
September 24. 2014

Baby is two weeks+ old. Some mischievous friends are calling her Energy saving bulb, while we await Kabiyesi the nickname coiner.

I am eating my Omugwo Ofe Nsala and pounded yam with my left and changing baby’s fifth poop with my right hand, this is three minutes after I changed 100Watt’s diapers, and two minutes after I supervised TheBoss at the W.C.

Yes, they organise potty party these days and I am permanently the celebrant.

If I get stray urine into my Nsala, I wont throw it away. I have lost fear of whatever any child may drop into a diaper or W.C. If we are together and your child poops, I offer excitedly to change it.

So if you are young and eeewing at all of this, I will be right here to welcome you to the born-again fold when you give your life to motherhood.

That my people, is how I won the shit packing award, nobody gave it to me, I bought medal and plaque and gave it to myself.

Olori Achalugo.

After-notes.

Photo shoot: Creativity met Passion

Title: Achalugo Series

By Buchi Photography, for his ‘Africa is Beautiful’ Project. http://www.buchiphotography.com. Instagram: @buchiokereafor.

Special thanks!

Congratulations to my crew members, life is beautiful with a support team. We got at each other’s throats sometimes, but what are hormones for?

Chelzy , Sheeka, Adaobi (the master planner),  may our new baby-girls be blessed, may they grow up to be strong women who would make us proud. I would update this as soon the last of us drops hers.

Thanks to my readers for the many e.mails checking on me and probing the Blogposts draught, something gotta give.

Thanks to family, and my numerous brothers and sisters all over.

Anyi ga adi.

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