My Monologues

10.  On Homeworks

So, I was really thrilled at the last P.T.A meeting (my childrens’ school have fancy name for it, but I sorta want to stick to what it was called in my time), when it was announced that some days would be homework free days for the children.

The aim was to curb monotony. I almost screamed ‘yaaay!’, but I reminded myself of my Queenly self.

Brethren, Homework is not as easy as you think. It is your time and responsibility, the role you play in helping your child grow. Read my previous piece on Homework to understand why the home work free days can cause some relief.

9. Head of Local Security

You never thought about it that way?

You are the Inspector General in your house. You sleep last, wake up first. The day you sleep first, you may wake and your first sentence will be wrought with pain, as you scream

“You people didn’t know you will put the Egusi in freezer ehn!?”

Wake up last? Tell me you didn’t feel the tinge of guilt, when they ended up being left by the school bus, or being dropped by you hours after morning assembly is over.

A lot can rot if you break this cycle.

8. Solve for x, where y= Guilty pleasures, x = Guilt > greater than pleasures.

Sometimes, I think I would be really happy to rest from mommying and drop them off for some grandparent bonding.

I lie.

This Cacophony has become part of my life, it is my sickness and my cure.

“Mommy! I am looking for my Spiderman shirt”
“Mommy! Container didn’t answer fine when I asked her how she was”
“Mommy! Let us go and visit Jack and the Neverland pirates”

These things erstwhile, led me on a constant path to exasperation. But in the moments they are gone, I miss them.

I want to tell TheBoss, that I hid his Spiderman shirt because he likes it so much and wants to wear it everyday, before people will say ‘Achalugo buys all the shoes in the world, yet her son has only one shirt’.

I want to tell 100watts that her sister isn’t snobbing her, that she is a baby who cannot speak just yet.

I want to not nag as I might have and threaten to cut off all supply of Disney dope, but tell the children jointly and severally, that Jack doesn’t live down the road, near grandma, or near their cousins in Lekki. I may add if I feel mischievous enough, that if Jack was in Naija, his would have taken them for deliverance.

Which kain pikin dem dey like to play near water everytime?

7. Grandma’s Pretense

My big sis tells me

“Don’t mind them o, sebi they prayed to see their grandchildren? Let us drop them joor!”

The quote in the picture came recently from my Mom, I just did yinmu.

Biko, if they try to form for you, just enter this chorus to remind them that their prayers have been answered

“🎶🎶 You wee see your shidren’s shidren, so says da Lord of hosts🎶🎶”

Amen?

6. Who is a Child?

While we are still on grandparenting.

Ever tried smacking your child in front of your parents? The one time I tried it, I got a good slap on my back before I could blink. 100watts’ eyes danced in amusement, i’m sure she thought

“YOUDONMEANIT, so there is somebody who can beat mommy back?”

Don’t fight the old saying, it is not a myth, grandparents don’t mess with their grandchildren.

5. #Itsnotmyshit

I remember this happening in church a while ago, this was just after Mass began. My heart beat strongly against my chest, the last thing I wanted to do was leave church to go change baby poop.

You also cannot do it there. After a while, I decided the awkward stares were enough and I took a bold peep into my baby’s diapers, nothing

“It is not our shit” I whispered to Kabiyesi.

Sharply, with relief, I joined the eyes frowning at the next baby’s mother.

No Padi for jungle.

4. I can never suck Catarrh from my child’s nose.

I don’t mean to disturb you with this imagery. You may close this tab now, in short.

But, do you know that you won’t even remember the day,date or manner in which you will suck that Catarrh? You will roll it in your mouth and use as chewing gum, if that will solve the problem.

Hehehe, okay, sorry.

3. Santa came early

Kabiyesi: Ukwu ji ugo (the name they use to seduce you into helping with the favour to be asked), please help me pay DTSV subscription. It skipped my mind, plus you know it is near your office?

I feign silence

“Baby Oku m” he would prod

Me: Why should I be the one to suffer the long queue? That TV is permanently on SuperSports or Disney Junior

Kabiyesi: You know, that is an unfair allegation, we sleep by 10pm at the most and leave the TV for you till 5.00am. You know that is when they show fine Nigerian movies na”

Sigh. What is this?

On some rare days, there would be no appetite for Sports from the senior quarters, and the junior quarters would say

“Mommy, come and watch African Magic, you are a beautiful mommy, you deserve the Remote”

I am not fooled, I wait for the chocolate payment invoice as I flip stations.

2. Tasty food spots in Lagos include Mega Chicken, Domino pizza, 34C,36D, etc

Does this one need explanation? Go to the the government hospital and see pregnant women repeating after the nurses

“Feed your baby, anywhere, anytime, anyday!”

And yes, I subscribe to this.

I don’t understand women who retreat to hidden corners, to breastfeed. I don’t understand women who say it is wrong and refuse to breastfeed their children outside their homes, even outside their rooms.

They must be pretty lucky, I strongly feel they have infants who are patient with them while they are hunting convinient spots and positions.

But hey, no one does it right or wrong.

1. Scientific studies have revealed that the Burgers have been known to drop right out of the blouses of breastfeeding mothers after a long day.

Let us not waste time here, let us just agree straight up, that unhooking your Bra after a long day ranks on the same pleasure level as Coldstone icecream on a sunny day.

I tried this once in front of baby, the joyful scream that was rendered unto me was mindblowing.

I felt like Burger, I felt like Food on a tray coming to table that had long ordered in a Restaurant.

So there you go, these are the things I think in my head sometimes. I also thought to get the blog on Instagram @achalugowrites, these first appeared there, then here now.

It’s a circle in the end, isn’t it?

Achalugo

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